Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
