It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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