he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
