The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
