Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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