I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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