How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
3 2 1 whiskey
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
