There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
