i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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