great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
