Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
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Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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