If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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