so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
