Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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