Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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