Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
