he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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