We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
