I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
