I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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