Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
