i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
