beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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