Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
why do cheetos always look like penises
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
