I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
