when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
