I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
