Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
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He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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