My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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