I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
