put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
