I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
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I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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