we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
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I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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