I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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