The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
