you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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