I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
