I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i've created a new STD.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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