I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
