Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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