im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
