last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
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After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
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I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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