dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Randomize
