sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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