apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
