really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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