Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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