I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
