Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
