god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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