im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
