My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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