i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
