She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
