You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My dick has a subreddit
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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