Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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