Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
