Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sorry about my life...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
